Welcome to my blog.
I am delighted to share with you some profound, personal and inspiration experiences as expressed throughout ‘The Journey Home’. This is my debut album and it tells a story of discovery and transformation, of survival following utter fragmentation and of a joyous celebration of the strength of the human spirit.
This is an album, which does not mask the devastation and pain, which is interwoven through life and neither does it deny the searching that we feel for answers. It embraces the polarities and expresses what really happened to me, which was a rebuilding of the self through the experience of a complete fragmentation and breakdown. A transformation had occurred which continues to intrigue me, the elements of which enrich my experience of life, and are thoroughly fascinating to me. One of the outcomes of this experience is a real suggestion to me that there is something at the heart of existence itself, often revealed in ways, which I am just beginning to understand.
The album is deeply personal but celebrates OUR lives and how we can so powerfully impact each other in co-creation of our experiences here on planet Earth.
I very much look forward to being in contact with you and hearing your thoughts. I am looking forward to us exchanging with each other what it is in life that moves us, that inspires us and intrigues us and also to celebrate what we learn about each other and ourselves as we walk together.
The Journey Home covers a range of topics, most prevalent are spirituality, the searching for answers, the discovery of those answers, the pain of grief, loss and betrayal and breakdown and suicide. From this utter destruction there is reintegration of the self and a transformation, which yields to a different experience of life itself and a celebration in realizing the love, which is always there. It is these topics, which I will be mostly writing about, in the initial stages of the blog.
What is it about music that, for some of us pulls us out from one emotional state to another?
These vibrations, naked to the human eye can grip me with such power.
It seems that music has a relationship to human beings, which is a profound one, bonding with the very deepest parts of the self. Patients with advanced dementia are known to have shown recognition and joyfully sing along to songs that are meaningful to them and ‘music releases autistic children from their chains’.
My album – The Journey Home conveys through music what I am unable to convey through words alone. It is a celebration of the strength of the human spirit and how we can impact each other’s experience of life, in all its glory. Some tracks on the album are sung and some are purely instrumental. Yet even without the human voice, they are able to express so much, paradoxically, perhaps these pieces of music can express even more than the songs where there are words. Perhaps it is the use of words which restricts the listener to a relational experience with the song based on our response to a combination of the words and music rather than the allowing of the purity of the music to take us on travels unyielded to the vocabulary it is tied to.
‘Longing And Belonging’ has elicited powerful responses from many of its listeners. It intimately expresses my emotional state leading up to my nervous breakdown. As I quietly sat with the intention to compose a piece of music which reflected the time leading up to the breakdown, the images of a violin and piano flashed before me. With the piano part I had a vague awareness that minor chords would emerge, whilst intuitively knowing that the violin was there to share the raw depths of my vulnerability, way beyond deliberate and methodical composing.
One quiet evening I was gently drawn to my keyboard, so I placed my hands on the keys and simply allowed my fingers to move with unrestricted spontaneous freedom - and the violin part revealed itself. It was as if the unconscious was able to come through in this space and I was able to hear what the deepest part of me – or what the greater reality – was whispering in my ear. When I played the recording of the two parts together it did indeed reflect my fragmenting and vulnerable self, leading up to the breakdown. I explained to Xenia Porteous – the wonderful violinist what I wanted the violin to portray, that being the depth of grief and loss, the feeling that I was loosing my ability to keep it together and the terror that came with the knowing that I was indeed fragmenting and that I would not survive. So the violin and the piano is something of an inner conversation. The violin and the piano separate at the end, symbolizing the fragmentation of the internal world, when the conversation is gone and what was left was raw pain, far beyond that which I knew was possible prior to my breakdown. Thank you Xenia for capturing this so beautifully.